Wednesday, 1 January 2014

A Spanking Can't Fix Everything!


Hello everyone,

I hope no one will be offended by this post. Please can I assure everyone it is not aimed at any one. It is just a very general observation made over the last year whilst reading various blogs. To be honest I generally only return to these bloggers sporadically as I often find myself getting frustrated and in fear of saying the wrong thing. Often ( not always) these wives are fairly young and have often got small children. I do know I am generalising but I am saying what I see.

ALL of us start out like this

and this

Marriage is jolly hard work and along the way we all without exception encounter problems. Pressure from outside, work, family, everything really. Sometimes, not always, children come charging along. This is very often when couples start to drift apart.


At this point  every woman, ( lets face it we are the doers)  looks for a solution and hey presto there it is in front of our faces, floating around in cyberspace or in a book the magic of DD. Now sometimes this takes a long time. A lot of very happy bloggers have been married forever, happily too and are looking for a bit of spice. Some howeve start looking quicker. We all however get to the internet eventually!!

Sometimes,  this IS the magic solution  but NEVER without a lot of soul searching, hard work and commitment. The thing is , and finally I am getting to my point, yes I know I talk a lot, ( at least you are only reading, feel sorry for John he has to listen to me for hours on end!).

SOMETIMES YOU SIMPLY CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MAN. IF HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN BEING A HOH AND TAKING YOU IN HAND THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT HIM TOO?

Basically we knew what our husbands were like when we married them and putting one of these in his hand

is not going to fix your lives no matter how much you want it to.

Often when I read the blogs I notice that the happier wives are the older ones.

 Do we have lower standards?NO.

 Do we want to improve our marriages? YES


BUT, maybe we have grown older and perhaps a bit wiser. I think maybe we come to ACCEPTANCE quicker I know my husband is not the most dominant man in Blogland, but I knew what he was like when I married him. I loved him then and I love him now and perhaps with our age and over thirty years of marriage has come a greater awareness of each other. We have weathered our storms, or at least a good few of them. Our children are grown and we have space to play. I will never know how any one can do ttwd when there are children about. I definitely make too much noise.


So what I would like to say to young marrieds who are struggling with dd. Please give yourselves a chance to play. Enjoy life alongside ttwd. You don't need micro managing. You need to be kind to each other, respect each other and COMPROMISE.  And maybe get spanked along the way :)) sometimes for fun and if hubby is willing sometimes not for fun :(.  I think constantly wanting what you can't have must be so draining and no one is going to be happy are they? 

We all have to remember who we married and why we married them.  Surely then with a bit of communication and hard work the happiness we seek will be within our grasp.

Hopefully then you will make it to this

My greatest wish for 2014 is that we all, young and old, find some measure of success in ttwd. Maybe all get that bit further than we have got so far. 

My own marriage is so much happier now, we love each other how we are and hopefully will continue to do so. Hubby is not a great one to discuss ttwd but he will openly say how much happier he is  and how much more together we are. And do you know what? That will do for me.:)

Good luck everyone in 2014. May you all be healthy, wealthy and wise ( and spanked;)


Love Jan.xx
P.S. I wrote this post one night after reading an unhappy blog and have debated long and hard about whether to post as I am not usually so soul searching and pontificating but I felt that if you don't like it you can stop reading. If you have got this far thank you.. I also hope I haven't offended  anyone.


xx



44 comments:

  1. Not sure if you were directing at me or not (would be oh so flattered to fall into the "young" category, but perhaps we're medium). I'll take no offense and instead applaud you for having the courage to speak your mind.

    About the older marrieds being happier, my theories are: 1. maybe they have a better support system. Some young families have so little support and 2. "older" women are smart enough to stop comparing themselves to others. Friends have said the best thing about turning 50 was no longer giving a rat's a$$ about what anyone else thought.

    I may get a little offended when I see someone saying DD is the solution for another couple's problems (unless it's in jest, of course).

    Happy New Year!

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    1. Hi Leah, NO, NO,NO I am not directing this at you, to be honest I don't know how old you are. Your theories about us older people may be true. Although as far as a support system goes in this house my husband would say I am the support for everyone else! I am 54, I suppose I really only worry about what John thinks. Oh crikey this is the first comment and I don't want to read the rest . This post may not be up long!
      love Jan.xx
      P.S. Email me on rosychuckles@gmail.com if you need a support system. Thats why we all blog to help each other.x

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    2. I'm sorry! I really didn't intend for my comment to make you feel bad.

      We're 41 and been married 16 years, so I guess we don't quality as young. We're in that delightful stage where the kids are easy and independent but they still like us. I keep waiting for the ball to drop on that any day now.

      But, my daughter's first year of life was so incredibly hard. Spanking, unless it led to more sex, wouldn't have helped matters, but I can appreciate people's desperation to try anything. I want all the young mamas to know that it gets SO MUCH EASIER! (until the teenage years which scare the pants off me).

      Whether people agree with you or not, I'm glad you said what you wanted to.

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    3. Hi Leah, I feel like you , that's exactly what I meant, life is so hard when the children are little, dd would have been impossible, impractical too. Surely we need practical help from husbands then, a bit of attention but not spanking! I am amazed by how great most of the comments have been. When we were first married , I had absolutely no support system from family, no money, ttwd would have killed me whereas now We can have fun with it, and enjoy each other. After all we have to fill that empty nest with something lol
      love Jan.xx

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  2. Nothing here offended me - then again I'm extremely hard to offend. I too worry about very young couples who attempt dd. I feel with out maturity on both partners in a marriage it could become abuse.

    Nick is exactly who I should be married to and who I want to be married to. He wasn't born a spanko and has never warmed to the idea of being an HOH. We do play and I enjoy it. And yes there are time I get down because I want more than he is able to give me. But like you all, we are both much happier than we were before we tried all this. You've written a really good post here.

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    1. Oh PK, Thank you so much. I think our marriage is like yours, John is definitely like NIck and I feel like you at times. He tries to be what I want but bless him he is at a bit of a loss sometimes. I think you and I would both be happier if we could retire and get into a bit of mischief!!
      love Jan.xx

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  3. I think you've made some great points, Jan.

    I'm not really in the "older" camp (we've been married 11 years; I'm 35) but we are happily married. I think that a lot of the happiness that comes from this dynamic is recognizing that we all have things to be grateful for, and the way one couple's dynamic looks can't possibly be ours.

    There is a LOT of "give and take" that is necessary for both parties to find happiness in TTWD.

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    1. Hi Jason Girl, no sweetie you are not in the older camp! However you have one difference _ Jason! He is definite HoH material and so although you may struggle to be good, you want this and he is happy to provide it. Yours hopefully will be a long happy dd marriage, carried out the way that suits you both :)
      love Jan.xx

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    2. Thank you, Jan. I agree with you, and it makes me very grateful!

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  4. Jan,
    You know my feelings here and you wisely and beautifully beat me to the punch saying just what I have been thinking. Well expressed and well thought out, you bullseyed your point!
    Meredith

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    1. Hi Meredith, you write a post too. You are a much better writer and will get out all the bits I missed. Also your Jack is very hohy and that is a different standpoint to mine
      love Jan.xx

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  5. Aww, such good advice. I love your posts Jan and besides, it is YOUR blog. Say what you want!!! (That's easy for me to say to you but I, on the other hand, like to have a panic attack over my potential posts and delete 4 or 5 of them before they ever make it to publish and then I still delete some after they do!!! I need help. Do you offer coaching or councelling services by chance?)

    I love you so much!!!

    sara :)

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    1. Oh and p.s. I was thinking to myself that maybe a spanking would solve this problem I am having right now but now I shall really really consider whether or not it will... but I bet SM will think it will... :)

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    2. Hi Sara, It seems to me that you have already it got it sorted. SM is a good strong hoh and like I said it is when all these young ones see this as a magic marriage fix when really they are perhaps just simply unhappily married. I would be a hopeless counsellor, I get far too involved with the girls I teach, worrying about the unhappy ones. I could provide tea and sympathy though, just pop round lol
      love Jan.xx
      P.S.Spanking is probably already over so hope you ok

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    3. Nope no spanking yet. I was just considering whether to ask for one. I will definitely pop over for tea though! I love hot tea or cold tea. Xoxoxox
      love sara :)

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    4. I like cake too... in case you have some. love you bunches Jan!!!!

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  6. Hi Jan,
    I too used to worry quite a bit about young couples. It's hard to know how things truly work out as bloggers come and go so quickly. It seems like what matters most is maturity as well as how well we know ourselves. A real young couple may "do" this differently which makes good sense b/c the stuff you deal with in marriage early on is often different. Seasons of life and seasons of marriage. There are a number of young couples that I really respect.

    Play is a huge part of marriage and as we age and have more time together, I do think we get a chance to have more of that. As I think you know, the DD that MM and I practice doesn't have too much play in it. At the same time, it is certainly not about rules and consequences, but about the deepening of our relationship. Maybe there will be more play in the future...we'll see. One day at a time right? Hey, does that mean that I would need to start liking spankings? :)

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    1. Hi Susie, What? You don't like spankings? You poor girl. Really though, the young ones need to not take it all so seriously, I sometimes think they just need to live a little first, bring up the children and then it will grow with their marriages rather than expect too much in the first place
      love Jan.xx

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  7. Hey Jan...very wise post here lady. I've often thought the same thing. TTWD, DD, M/s, BDSM, whatever...none of these will 'fix' a relationship...they are all tools to help and/or enhance a relationship.

    I think one of the saddest things is some of the husbands who try their absolute hardest to be something they're really not because they love their wife so much and want to give her everything she wants.

    BTW...this is your blog and you should write whatever strikes your fancy...if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read and/or visit. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, and as usual your comments are so wise too. I totally agree over here we have an old saying "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". I do feel sorry for husbands who just dont want this and keep on trying. Will they try forever? Or will they give up and go and find what they really want?
      I know i can write what I want but it is not my nature to offend so...

      love Jan.xx

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  8. Absolutely great post Jan, and as you and others pointed out, it's your blog - do with it as you will. You have expressed your thoughts and feelings and have offered great insight along the way.

    I often comment in the same way - because no two couples are the same and putting some initials on something doesn't mean it is right or wrong for you. With age comes wisdom, well sometimes. lol

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    1. Hi Sunny, I tell all my younger friends that! With age I think a greater sense of peace has come and a longing to just be together. I feel like I have been a care giver for the masses!!! I sometimes wonder if by the time all our oldies have stopped needing us (ahem I didn't know how to put that) I will be too old to enjoy life!
      love Jan.xx

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  9. Well I disagree. LOL. To what I am not entirely sure. I am neither old nor young..or maybe I am old? I don't know. 42 to some is old while to others is young. What I do know is that we can only see Dd through our own eyes when we look and read someone else's blog. As hard as we try, we can't be 100% objective. Our own experiences taint our view, whether it be rose coloured or skeptical.

    So based on that, would I have been able to continually try Dd when the boys were little and Barney worked a million hours a week? When horror moans gave me more migraines than I could count? When I was searching the couch cushions for loose change to buy a loaf of bread because payday wasn't until tomorrow? NO. *I* couldn't have. Could Barney have? Ironically I think he would have had more success with it back then. I would have given him WAY more opportunities to show his dominance. He would have been able to 'micromanage' me? ( incidentally I think maybe we should think about throwing that word around like it is a BAD thing. Some women WANT/Desire it, and others use their husband's willingness to micromanage as a sign of his interest or dominance in Dd. If women stay at home with little people and their husbands have chore lists for them, it may very well make them feel like their position at home is worthy of attention. That completing these tasks validates them. Consequences for them not being done means what SHE does is worthy of notice) yes I think he could have. I think when you are young and passionate, but wrapped up in Mommy-mode ttwd may very well be the ticket to feel like you are being seen again. More so than perhaps all us old girls.

    What I do think is that it is WAY more difficult for them. There is the little people factor, the stress of trying to be everything for everyone, the energy. So if they blow of steam by putting it on their blogs, I applaud them. Sure sitting on the other side of the screen it can be a little concerning that they sound to be unravelling more than they are being pulled together, but maybe that is their process? Many, many of us old and young go through UTTER HELL at times before this 'clicks'. Many only revert to writing when they need support, ( especially with little people...I mean who has the time?).

    I guess I think that age changes your view, but not your desire. Does it make it easier for older folks who have been together longer? NOPE. There are a lifetime of habits that still have to be overcome. I think the TIME factor is not age, but actually TIME when people are younger. Just the mental time it takes to reflect on one's actions is not afforded to the younger Dders, due to exhaustion alone! LOL....

    But then again that is merely a view through my eyes and my past experience as a 'young' mother.

    Love
    willie

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    1. Oops I also wanted to mention this part..."SOMETIMES YOU SIMPLY CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MAN. IF HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN BEING A HOH AND TAKING YOU IN HAND THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT HIM TOO?"... Um, if I focused on that, I would have been NOWHERE today.

      I suppose to some that is true, but for many it isn't. I think back to when our first child was born. Barney had never been around babies. He was so awkward holding our child, and changing diapers took forever and he would try to pass it on to me for the longest time. Watch, and silently learn. It wasn't second nature to him at all. And to some it may have looked like he had no desire to learn. That doesn't mean he wasn't meant to be a father. He just took a more time consuming way to learn.
      Now he will offer to baby sit our great nieces and nephews. When my nieces ask if " Uncle Barney will mind changing a dirty diaper...and on GIRLS no less... " He will always say..." Pfft I've got it!".
      Like it was always that way.

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  10. Wow Willie, I guess I did offend some people. As far as having children I think a man is going to try harder to learn about that than being interested in becoming a spanko,! As to the rest of your comments I am sure you are right, it is a lot harder to practise dd as a young married. That is why I tend to think that maybe couples need to give themselves a bit of slack, play more than punish. Life is hard enough I reckon.
    love Jan.xx

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  11. Nope you didn't offend me...although I do think we should be careful . Sometimes women get discouraged when they shouldn't. I also am not trying to turn my husband into a 'spanko' a leader YES, a spanko? Not so much.

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    1. My comparison in the father/ dd thing was merely that some take longer and it can appear that they are too awkward to accomplish or lack the desire, when they are simply trying silently processing.

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  12. You certainly did not offend me! I think I fall into the older category! LOL. However we have only been married 23 years. I knew what I wanted when we began our married life together. He was happy with beginning as we did! We made lots of great decisions but also some that taught us many, many great lessons about love and relationships. Our expectations and acceptance of each other has changed gradually through the years.
    In a relationship you are dealing with two autonomous people who come together. Couples should not have to work so hard that one person is always unhappy, or feels inadequate. That doesn't mean that life is always a bed of roses. I agree with the thought that what we do (DD or TTWD) must fit in each couples life. It is a tool or a fun adjunct to an always evolving relationship.

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    1. Hi Minelle, I agree with you when you say that one person shouldn't always be unhappy and feeling inadequate. ALL marriages involve hard work and commitment don't they, it is so much better if everyone can find joy along the way
      love Jan.xx

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  13. You are right. Spanking doesn't solve everything but it sure can make things better. Marriage is hard. It takes work and dedication.

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    1. I agree with you, thanks for your comment
      love Jan.xx

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  14. Hi Jan,

    I really appreciated this. As an older married wife, I know that there are many nuances to each marriage, and that it can be a dangerous thing to try to force your own marriage to mirror that of someone else's as that almost always leads to discontentment.

    Now there's always room for improvement and growth in every relationship, and ttwd/dd does offer some excellent tools to do that - but I think as we get older, we do get a bit more mellow in our understanding of how unique each relationship is, and what there is to appreciate about it. My MiL was a great support to me in my early days of marriage, and I so appreciate her kindness in helping me understand how to find contentment, but without settling for less either. It's a balance - and sometimes I have to remind myself of that, but it's easier to grasp the longer that I'm married.

    You are so right in that we are a community of people who really want to help & support one another - and I hope that you will see more positive feedback from those who've been encouraged by it.

    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Hi Cali, what a lovely comment. How lucky you were to have such a great mother in law. Mine was sweet but hopeless. Almost as soon as we married it was as if she had got rid of him at last! She has a daughter of her own and both her and her husband preferred her to their two sons. Ironically she moved to another country and I am now the one who is their support system! My own mum is mentally ill so.... I want to be a better m-i-l for my own son's wives and am working on it. I am amazed by the supportive comments this post has brought out. I don't usually write like this and so didn't know what to expect.
      love Jan.xx

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  15. I definitely agree that spanking can't fix everything. Strongly agree. Ttwd is hard work, just as marriage is.

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    1. Hi Stormy, nice to see you , hope you and the ogre had a good Christmas.
      Thank you for your comments, life is hard work no matter how you look at it
      love Jan.xx

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  16. Hi Jan, this is a great post and you make some really good points! Spanking definitely can't fix everything. TTWD takes a lot of work, commitment and communication. There is definitely a fun side to it as well and I think it's important to embrace that also.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz, thanks for your comments, hope you and Rick are embracing the fun side !!!
      love Jan.xx

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  17. Interesting read. I do have to say the age thing has actually been the opposite in my reading. I find it's the older bloggers who come and go far more quickly, desperately trying to save their marriages. I suppose we are all limited to the specific blogs we read.

    Callie

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    1. Hi Callie, You are right. Our view is definitely coloured by the blogs we come across, maybe the older bloggers appeal to me more as I identify with the stage they are at. Ttwd was not on my younger self's horizon
      love Jan.xx

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  18. Jan, I think you wrote a thoughtful post with some good insight and wisdom. Writing your thoughts and opinions and feelings is the heart of blogging and you do so quite respectfully and with heart. That all being said, I never feel qualified to answer such posts as in my relationship it is all about play. The discipline aspect has always been in my fantasy alone. While there are times I want more (most the time) :-) I am grateful for what my husband and I have together. All relationships require continuous effort from both parties to achieve growth. Through TTWD what I have gained even more than a spanking fantasy come true is the communication we previously lacked and a willingness to explore and play and discover each other's needs and truly listen to one another. Some of that came with the confidence that age and experience gifted us. As a young married couple we were just learning and as young parents our focus shifted and now that focus remains but we are finding each other again and learning and someday when it is just us I hope we will have more to learn and play and grow together even more. We are still works in progress, but we are happy most the time...and keeping working to find that happiness and accept each other for us. To be honest I am not even sure what I am saying...so I will stop babbling...and end by saying thank-you for sharing your thoughts. Keep playing and dancing in your heart! :-) Hugs

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    1. Hi Terps, that is such a brilliant comment. Are you sure you aren't a writer? We are JUST like you only I guess we are a bit older. Our nest is generally an empty one. He likes the play and like you I do sometimes want more. I think one thing that is so great about ttwd is that it gives us oldies a chance to discover each other again when maybe as our children grow up and leave us would we simply drift apart. I love the thought that we are a work in progress too :). I hope that you and I both can keep on playing and dancing
      love Jan.xx

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