Hello my friends,
I am glad to have somewhere to go and someone to talk to at the moment as our ttwd life has hit a bit of a stumbling block.
Ttwd has never been a huge deal with punishments galore but it has been consistently there for a few years now and so I thought a handy little tool keeping us together and happy. At the moment though it all feels a bit fraudulent, sort of I thought it wa one thing and he thought it another. His version appears to have been a bit more trivial than mine, I feel like I was just a joke to him, gosh that is hard to say and maybe not even true. Who knows? Certainly not me.
Of course this is probably temporary but I feel a bit saddened by it all, trivial though it is, and it really is. I have blown everything out of proportion and have no ideas or inclination how to put things right. We are not a couple of kids, we have been married for thirty three years for God's sake!
At the moment my "ordinary" life is going through some difficult times, really really hard stuff. Stuff I can't even talk about . Stuff I want to cry about and run away from. My sense of duty won't let me though. I hate being so bloody responsible.
Grandbaby is fine, wonderful and getting bigger and more beautiful by the day.
Our youngest has just asked his lovely girlfriend to marry him. These things are absolutely the best. I adore the baby and my new dil is the daughter I would have chosen for myself. I love her to bits.
I think she likes me too,( she told someone at our slimming group I was a lovely mil and I cried!!)
However in dealing with the awful crap I have struggled so much and one day when I turned to hubby for help, help he knew I was desperate for, it was not forthcoming. I am not saying he rejected me but it definitely felt like it and in a totally crappy text too :(.
The obvious happened, as we don't row, I just withdrew into myself and plodded on. I couldn't talk to him, in fact I barely spoke to anyone for a week. I felt that ttwd was just simply a game to him and one that he would only join in with, when he felt like it. I actually feel sad and a bit embarrassed that I am so needy.
Please don't get me wrong I totally love my husband, he is the be all and end all of my existence, just right now I can't cope with one more thing being so hard in my life and suddenly I have to :(
The crap is still going on and in truth I can't see an end to it. Ttwd has been all that has given me peace and strength to deal with it for years so now what?
After a week hubby decided we needed to clear the air and said so. I told him outright that he wasn't spanking me, no chance. I felt too embarrassed by it as we had obviously had such different ideas on it all and that I was feeling an idiot.
He straightaway replied that I had got it wrong and he felt I should spank him as he owed me an apology for the text and for not being there for me!!
I was taken aback, somehow I felt worse because he was admitting he knew he had done it and had just left me sad and quiet for days.
I just said no, and tried to explain how I was feeling. like a lemon and actually a bit of a nuisance to him, was he just thinking I was an idiot all this time? I have taken spanking off the agenda for now.
He would like things to just go back to the way they were but I can't see how right now, there is no way in hell I am confident enough to try spanking at the moment.
Ever since we started living this way I have talked about the blogs and all of you, reading him bits and pieces now and again. he however has refused to read a thing. I have gone as far now as to ask him to read some things and research a bit about stuff to see if we can find a way forward.
Today he read some of Jack and Meredith's posts, and I have left him to think.
I feel lost and as he is at work now I can have a little cry in peace. What do I do now? There is a brick wall between us and although day to day life is the same, ttwd is not.
I am aware that all this is trivial and will surely pass soon enough. The thing with this lifestyle is though, that you can't just chat about it to your mate up the road and put the world to rights over a cup of tea! That is why you my friends are lumbered with this whiny post. I am sorry about that and please feel free to go on your merry way.
If however anyone has some useful advice, at this point un-useful advice will be gratefully received as well, such are the depths of despair currently attained in the Rose household please be free to give it I will be grateful.
I am aware there are lots of you with much more significant stuff to deal with so you all have my sympathy. I hope everyone has a good week